Just a Forewarning:
I wrote this when I was angry, so my judgement of quality for reviews may be skewed and cringey.

Hi!

I'm a Movie Critic.

Do I have to tell you this Review Has Spoilers?

Well it DOES,
and I don't wanna hear any Crying.

And Before anything I say is Construed to make me sound like a Feminist Radical, a "Menenist" Radical, Any kind of Radical,
Or that I have something against the French, I don't.  And I'm not those other things either.
Frickin' French.

I'm an Egalitarian.  No, That does not mean My Diet Consists of mainly Eagle Meat.

It means :

e·gal·i·tar·i·an
[iˌɡaləˈterēən]
ADJECTIVE

Oh, ......... God. Jesus.

 


I don't even know how to start talking about this.
How about I start of by saying that I've never Read the Comicbook that this movie is based on.

One (1), Because it's in French.
frickin' french.

So granted, My opinion of this movie won't be influenced by however good or bad the books may have been in comparison to this film.

This movie has brought the Anger and Disdain to a Peak within my Shriveled Soul.

(ooh.  edgy.)

X-Men Apocalypse?  Didn't do it to me.
Guardians of the Galaxy 2?  Didn't do it to me.
Avengers: Age of Ultron?  Didn't do it to me.

Suicide Squad?  Didn't do it to me.

I can go on with examples but you probably get my point.
"What's that point?" some of you may be asking?        

My Point is, FUCK VALERIAN.


Let me clarify.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets was directed by Luc Besson.

The Same Frenchman who brought us "The Fifth Element", "Leon the Professional", and yes, Regretably "Lucy".

The first two on that list are widely respected Quality Films,  Films that in my opinion are considered Pieces of Art.  
(Which is not a complement I personally Give out Freely or often)

Luc Besson Also produced multiple Movies such as "The Transporter" and "Hitman"
 
So when The Trailer for Valerian came out, Naturally I was Excited that he was directing a new Movie.

A Common theme of Luc Besson Films, is that the Movie plot consists of The Leading Male Character Who plays the Sturdy Anchor point that the story Revolves around,  (i.e. Leon, Korben Dallas, Agent 47, Frank Martin.) Going about his Quote-Unquote "Normal Life", Until the Lead/Supporting Female Character Figuratively (and Sometimes Literally.) Lands in The Leading Character's lap Where He's Slated with the Responsibility to Decide whether or not to Save Her from whatever dangers are following her. (i.e. Mathilda, Leeloo, Nika, and Lai.)  

While not as Apparent in Valerian, This Theme still comes through as a Key point in telling us this is a Luc Besson Film.

Another key point for me in Identifying A Luc Besson Film is the score.
Often times Composed By Eric Serra.
So when Eric Serra does The Score for someone else's movie I'm all like "FIFTH ELEMENT!!!"

But sadly, Eric Serra Didn't compose the Score for this one.   Sadly.  *crying.
(I think it might've swayed me towards maybe liking the movie if he's done the score actually.)

Shall We Touch upon the Plot?

Ok, We're gonna Read this from wikipedia to keep it simple.
"Major Valerian and Sergeant Laureline are "Special Operatives" charged with maintaining order throughout the human territories. Under assignment from the Minister of Defense, the two embark on a mission to the astonishing city of Alpha - an ever-expanding metropolis where species from all over the universe have converged over centuries to share knowledge, intelligence and cultures with each other. There is a mystery at the center of Alpha, a dark force which threatens the peaceful existence of the City of a Thousand Planets, and Valerian and Laureline must race to identify the marauding menace and safeguard not just Alpha, but the future of the universe.

"Marauding Menace."

What Gives them the Gall Bladder to name their space station "Alpha"?

The Trailer for Valerian

Promised an Amazing world full of Fantastic Aliens, Technology, and Riveting Adventure.
And it Delivered on the Aliens, I mean, The Aliens were Great, Right?.  (Wait,  Were they great because they were "Great", or just because they weren't on the screen long enough to screw it up like the rest of the Characters?)  

Oh wait a minute, they Were on the Screen long enough to screw it up like the rest of the Characters.

In the Beginning We're Introduced to some Alien Peeples Called "Pearls" (Who are at the same time the Engineers from "Prometeus" and the Na'vi from Avatar.) Who are From a planet called Mul, (That's Mul with an Umlaut. Because I guess Aliens Use Umlauts too?)

Goin' about they Daily lives of Fishin' fo lil' Clam-Diamons' (also called Pearls.) on the Beaches of a Planet from Spore, We find out that apparently you can just wash your face with a bunch of glowy ball bearings, pinch your cheeks and achieve that flawless translucent alien-girl Complexion that all the Galactoid magazines are raving about these days.  Before and after Mood ring Skin is Achieved you must prance around like there's music only You can hear for which you should dance and stretch your arms out all the time. For no reason.  

Multiple fucking times.

All before getting Nuked and Releasing your soul into the Universe to go and Posses Someone's Body.
But I'm Getting ahead of myself.

As well as Princess Lihu's name being Ripped off of another Luc Besson Character who we won't mention....

We find out that Male Pearl Voices are Generally Higher than Female Pearl Voices Because
They're... played... by... Women, for some reason.
Were the Female Pearls Played by Men to balance it out you might ask?
No? Also played by Women?  Ok.   

SEXIST!!!!   *AIRHORN* TRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGEEEEERRRRRREEEEDDDDD!!!!!

(lol)

Ok, so apparently Outside the orbit of Mul, Humans and someone else, (We never learn if They're humans or Aliens or what.) are Having a missile Party, and to Win the Battle Quickly, Commander Arun Filitt (Clive Owen.) makes the Executive decision to nuke the mothership of whoever they were Fighting.  Evidently, The Mothership Crashes into Mul And Vaporizes Everything except for a little Ship that Was shot down and Crashed earlier in the battle that a bunch of Pearls Got into and closed the door of.  Except for the Princess who sent her soul out to take refuge in Valerian's Body.  The rest of the Pearls Drifted through Space For 30 years on this little ship which apparently had everything they needed to thrive and get a College education.

Ok, One (1)

How did they get off of the Crispy Husk that Became Mul on that spaceship thing that they got locked in?
Did Mul Explode and send them Flying off into space?

Two (2)

How come that same ship that was shot down and crashed there was able to survive the Nuking of the planet well enough to continue being a home for these dudes for the next 30 (Earth?) Years?

And Three (3)

What did these Guys even use the Pearls for Anyway besides Jewelry and Decorative Walking Sticks?
Did they Eat them?

They also have these Little creatures that you can feed small objects to and then they Sweat out about a million copies of that small object for No. Apparent. Reason.

This is important because in order to Give Back to Mul, "Earth" as they literally call it in the movie, Three times a (Earth Year.) They Feed these Things These Pearls and Let them Sweat out a Bajillion of them into this giant Glowing Hole in the Ground.
"Why a Giant Glowing Hole in the Ground?"  Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo' Idea.


Now You would think that with a title like :

"City-of-a-Thousand-Planets"

That it would have a lot to do with The World Around them, Right?

Think again, Cause it has Practically nothing to do with it,
Besides them Reminding you of how Incredible it is all the time they don't actually show you a whole lot of it.

Sure, they had Paradise Alley with all the Alien Hookers and all that but, Wait... Did you say Alien Hookers?
YES!, AND GUESS WHO'S THE PIMP?
Tony Hawk!,  I mean...
Ethan Hawk!

"Why are you here Ethan Hawk?"
"I'm here to Play the Piano And Laugh While Rhiahanna Does a Sub-par Pole Dance Up on that there Stage."
"Wait, Did you Say "Rhiahaanna"?"
"I SURE DID!!!"
"Why is Rhianahahaha Here?"
"Chihuahua's Here To Be an yet Another Awkward Character, who can Shapeshift!
Which we'll use for about ten minutes and then Kill Her off in a Way that Doesn't make any Sense!"
...
"What the Fuck, Tony?"



Otherwise, Some of the Movie is inside the "Crisis-Suite" With Either the "Commander"? or "General"?   ..... who apparently switch ranks depending on how they feel in that moment.
Was I just Confused or would they call one General and the other Commander depending on the scene?
I knew which was which but it seemed like they got confused a couple times.

"Wait, are You the Commander, or am I the Commander?"

"WEEEEEEEE BOTH ARE!" 

I guess In this Universe (Our own.) A Commander outranks a General.
And when it wasn't in the Crisis-Suite it was Somewhere that wasn't particularly Memorable.

And Everyone's Job in this Movie is to Give an Over-Abundance of Exposition.

Jesus wept,
Every time they Introduced a new Piece of Technology they would give you it's life story in un-apologetic Size 72 Comic Sans.
Many times Characters will just talk to themselves out loud to once again Overly inform the Viewers.
"WE'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE ANYTHING UP TO THE IMAGINATION OF THE AUDIENCE!" (Luc Besson Screamed in French.)

And somewhere along the way they made it a point to make inter-dimensional travel a Mixed-Reality VR Game.
But that's neither here nor there.

Let's Touch upon the Subject of The Well Constructed and Believable Dialogue in this Movie.  Or Lack Thereof.

Why does it seem like No one can write Convincing Dialogue in Big Budget Movies anymore?
Every Exchange Between Valerian and Laureline feels like it's being Forced Through a Meat Grinder of Awkwardness and coming out the other side in a Butchered and Unnatural Sausage link of pain, Sentence after Sentence.

(It wasn't as bad as I just made it sound but it was close to it.)

And not Just Dialogue,  
ANY KIND OF PHYSICAL MOVEMENT THAT REQUIRED MORE ATHLETICISM THAN NORMAL WALKING (Like Running or Fighing.) Was either wire-work or Just painful to observe.  There was no Physical Dynamacism in the Swings of Punches or Swords when Valerian or Laureline were Fighting.

Seriously, Get These Kids to Phys-Ed or let them Die.

Laureline Can't Throw a Punch to Save Her Life, I mean, at the end when she's "Trying" to Punch Clive Owen in the Face, it's like Her face is Trying to Give birth to a Weakness Demon,  
And I imagine that Clive is just sitting there like,

"Was that a Punch? Or was it the WIND?!"

And Valerian runs from only the Knees Down. 
He just sort of Hobbles around like a Drunken Sailor Trying to Do the CAN-CAN.
Pick Up Your Knees before I Beam you with a Dodge-Ball!!!

Go to JAIL!!!!

And Another Thing! :

"Humans are so Predictable." Said the Elephant Tengu!
"You've Obviously never met a Woman!" Said Laureline.

...
...
...

Did She really Say That?  ...  
Quit Sayin' Crap like that, It's Embarassing. Jesus.
These are the lines of dialogue giving women a bad name as being arrogant assholes.

It also Bothers me that every time Laureline would Address Valerian she would only use his Whole name.
Nicknames were invented for a Reason, Because most of the time they're easier and Quicker to say than you're whole Name.

"VALERIAN!
VALERIAN!
VALERIAN!
VALERIAN!
VALERIAN!
VALERIAN!"

CALL HIM VAL!!!  IT'S EASIER!!!!  AND LESS AWKWARD!!!!

And for that reason we shall now only refer to him as "Val".

Let's talk about the amazing Character Arc in this film.  Oh wait, There wasn't one.

"Val" is Introduced as being a Playboy Who is basically Just Peter Quill from the First Guardians of the Galaxy, or Captain Kirk from the New Star Trek Movies. But He's really just a Creepy little Weirdo.  

Like the kind of guy who would walk up to you on the street of Cuban Town Florida and Ask you if you wanted to buy a Cigar from out of his White Blazer. "It's 130 Degrees Celsius out here, No. I don't want a Cigar."  

Anyway.  Val is Portrayed as Being kind of shmuck who's trying to convince Laureline that He's loves her and that He wants to Change For her.  
Anyway, He Proposes To Her and some Crap with the Pearl they confiscated in the First part of the Movie That He Mod-podged with some Cat Hair into a Ring .

Laureline, (Or as I like to call her, "Ever-Resting Witch-Face.)

Plays a Non-Descript Grouchy Hag........
Oh, sorry.  That was my Anger from Suicide Squad coming out.
Wait, no.  That was Totally Accurate. 
And then She Does a Wiggle dance in front of a Tornado and...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


All of the Signs we're given from they're interaction point towards Val and Laureline not really liking each other, not even as people let alone Romantically. And this continues throughout the movie with they're Awkward Tensionless Banter.

That's another thing.
There was no tension to be found in this movie.
They were trying to build it, but never quite made it to a point where it would have mattered to me if they killed off any of the main characters.  

Valerian?  Eh,  Kill him.  Go ahead, I won't stop you.
Laureline?  I would Aid and Abet Her Murder.
The Endagered Species From the Planet Pearl?  I was actually kind of disappointed when they Didn't Die with the rest of their people.
(sorry, not sorry.)

Or like in the end when Laureline is gonna give the Pearls back the little Xerox Machine Creature and Val comes out of the Blue with:
"I'm a Soldier, I follow Orders,  And we can't just give them back the last Xerox Machine in the galaxy because, blah blah blah, GOVERNMENT REASONS!!!"  Where did that come from?  They never Elude to that being a character trait of his. 
If they did he would've been much more interesting.  

But no,  They just Shoehorned in a conflict that was never even Suggested in the rest of the movie!
Because 10 seconds later, that conflict was resolved and we carry on like it

Never even Happened.

The Technology,

Was...eh... Kinda Great?  I mean,  they did some cool things with it sometimes but other than that I can't really think of anything that stood out to me as being really cool and Useful.  

Oh yeah! The Supersoldier Suit that Val and Laureline wear through the whole movie.
That Apparently is nearly indestructable when you put the helmet on.
Specifically in that part where Val Punches Holes through every eco-system in Alpha, to ham-handedly show us all four corners of the "CITY-OF-A-THOUSAND-PLANETS."  Probably Killing 20% of the entire population due to Sudden and Alarming Climate-change.

 "Valerian, Mass Murdering Shmuck and Harbinger of Global Warming."

This reminds me of when they were being chased by that space dog thing that closely resembled "Woola" from John Carter,  and how when they were getting away they let the magic-schoolbus full of guys get totally slaughtered.

But ok,  What Really bothers me about this movie is how much better it could've been.
Regardless of whether or not it's actually canon to the book, there were soooo many thing that if they were changed slightly could've improved the movie's quality as a whole.

Like making Val a Duty-minded Soldier boy who always follows Orders and does everything by the book.

They got off too a really good start in the beginning of the movie.
Where they show the space station growing over a couple hundred years, (and that every time they shake hands with a new alien they bring a Terminal cross-species Space Disease back to earth.  I can just imagine all the political drama that would be surrounding that. Especially that Snot-fisted Alien, He Definitely had a cold.)

So all in all I would give this movie 4 out of 10 stars.

Because, Personal film direction Gripes aside, there were numerous things wrong with it.
The first Third was Actually Pretty Good, Kind of.
The Second third was Alright.
And The last Third is kind of where they seemed to lose a lot of Focus.

But that's my 2-cent Wall of Text.  (lol.)